My Life Before - Love Life

So this series starts off with my love life since this is the spirit at the moment.

I had my first 'boyfriend' when I was 12 years old, we used to hang out a lot and our parents were close, we dated for 6 months until I found out he had cheated on me, I know you are probably thinking cheating?! you were 12 what kind of cheating could you do, it wasn't cheating like you see today it was just that he started going out with someone else and that was the end of that so broken love life started from young although I didn't really know how it would effect me.

As I got older I has several other relationships, this is where it links into how I felt about myself, I thought I was ugly because I had glasses, I didn't have the full figure like other girls I was small and really slim so I thought why would anyone like me? I never got 'chatted up' on the road by a guy so it made me feel down about myself, this resulted in me meeting people from Facebook, yep you read correctly, Facebook.
The only guy I have gone out with that I saw in person was my first one.

So I started talking to guys on Facebook, talking to them on the phone, guys from South London, East London, West London. I would speak to them, get to know them and then we decided to link up (meet up) can you imagine! how dangerous it is, but I wasn't stupid, I always brought a friend or got people to follow in case anything happened. So from about the age of 15 till 18(when I came to the church) this is how it was, meeting guys online, talking to them and then going to meet them.
The friends I used to hang with at the time used to speak with them too, like we used to all be friends, so there was one guy I used to go out with but I was going out with him without even seeing him, I know right, that went on for 6 months, I used to end it with guys for silly reasons, because they didn't call me that day or text me back etc. I was a very clingy girl, because I was insecure about myself, I needed to feel loved and fill that hole with a guy, which obviously didn't work and cause breakdowns in the relationships. So I then started dating his friend, and my friend dated him and we were all friends together (mad right lol) and whenever we thought that the guy was being unfaithful etc we used to play games with them. I remember one time there was this guy and he came to my house so it was him, me and my two friends, and we wanted to see who did he really like because I think he was flirting with all of us, so two by two we would leave the room and leave the third with the guy to see if he made a move. We really played games and messed about with their minds to get the truth.

The next one I remember, I used to always go to his house he didn't live far from me, and again my friend knew him and was his friend etc. There was an incident that happened where he was trying to force me to let him do something which I didn't want him to do, over time he got annoyed and done it anyway and this scarred me, especially when I found out he done it to two other girls I knew. After this I couldn't trust guys, I was too scared to go out with anyone because I knew they would only want to do one thing and I didn't want to, it scarred me deep. After a while I had enough of being upset about that and decided I needed to get with a guy so me being all 'brave' went to link some random guy by myself (and already before I went he sounded dodgy) but I went anyway, we went to his house and I though it would be ok because his mum is home etc. but this was the opposite the guy tried to take off my clothes, and then fear hit me and I wanted to get out of there but he kept trying to put himself on me I don't remember why he stopped, but it gave me a chance to get my phone and tell my friend to call me to pretend to be my mum so I could go, and all I remember was getting to the train station (I told him I could walk myself) and sitting down on the floor and breakdown in tears, and people were looking at me and didn't even say anything, I felt so dirty, I was in bits my heart was scarred so much and patched up I don't even think there was any left lol, that was the last person I can remember until I turned 17/18. When I didn't have a boyfriend I didn't feel complete, if I didn't like someone, flirt with someone or have someone I wouldn't be happy, not that I was happy anyway. This also lead me to being a party animal, dancing with any guy in a rave, wearing revealing clothes to catch their attention because I wanted that attention, the affection you can only get from the 'other half' to fill the emptiness inside, to make me feel better about myself so that I could feel beautiful or think I was beautiful just because I had a boyfriend. I used to be very jealous as well, like if they were going out, or were with other girls I would be so suspicious, I didn't trust them, I would be jealous, especially because I used to think all other girls were prettier then me, I felt inferior and thought that if they know girls like that then why would they want to be with me? The long distance didn't help either.

Now this is the definition of love is blind. The last person I was seeing before I came to the church lived in Grays! yep GRAYS past lakeside! really now I think about it I was so stupid, this is how you know that I wasn't thinking just to be with someone I would go all the way out there to his house and stay over (my mum knew about it) we weren't even officially going out, we never went anywhere just stayed at his house, slept over, he would cook for me, we would watch tv play games and I would come home and then feel very lonely. This went on for about 2 months, even while I was in the youth group and church we were together, until I made the decision to change and I made the hardest decision of my life to cut him off, that hurt so much but it was the beginning of my healing of my heart....

So that is the story of my love life, if you have any questions please comment below I would be happy to answer.
Please share with your friends you do not know who may need to hear it.
Comment what area you would like to see next, hope this post was beneficial, and I hope I included everything lol.